I was pretty productive today.  I got up at 9:30, which for a day off is a small miracle, and put the bath mats in the washer.  Meanwhile, I made an apple pie from scratch.  I hung the mats out to dry and stripped all the beds and washed them.  Between hanging up the bed stuff outside and painting the railing I started last week, I completely forgot to eat anything until almost 4.  Weird.  Later this afternoon I went to visit my friend Ani across the street.  I tried to read my book as usual while she was writing a 15 page paper for some art history class, but it didn't feel busy enough.  So, I volunteered to do the dishes (kind of a hassle since most people don't have dishwashers) which got me some plus points with Ani's mom.  Now I'm sitting here, writing something no one will read anyway, mainly because I want something to do.  There are things I should do, but they're boring.

I think I'm keeping this busy to avoid the guaranteed loneliness I experience everytime I visit.  Yeah, my dad came by for a while, Opa's downstairs, and I went to Ani's house.  Still, I spend hours alone which is the worst way for me to exist.  I sit on my ugly little couch and over-analyze everything.  I act out scenarios in my head, imagining what I would say, or maybe should've said.  This is usally accompanied by laziness, like how I stopped reading about web design, translating those old German letters, and doing my workout DVDs.  The workout thing bothers me most.  It only takes a little bit of physical activity to make me feel hyper-productive and good about myself.  At the same time, when I don't do it, I feel shitty.

This week I've felt like I did in middle school.  In 9th grade, I sat alone at lunch.  Every day.  There was an empty table right in the middle of the cafeteria.  A couple people I knew from class, including this girl Sam I really liked, asked me to sit with them.  I just smiled and said "No, that's okay."  I really wanted to, but the situation just seemed to stressful.  The time I actually did sit with them I almost died of heart palpitations.  I was back at my empty table the next day.  Once, the guidance counselor even sat with me during lunch.  Maybe she thought I would shoot up the school, or something.  Like I would want to die as the center of attention.  No, thanks.  On the other end of the long table sat a black girl with more sideburn than I have now.  She had a different neon-colored windbreaker sweatsuit for every day of the week.  Even she made friends after a few weeks.  I learned my lesson, and in high school the next year I skipped lunch and ate my granola bar in peace in the library.

location: Germany, Uchtelfangen mood: disappointed music: none tags: alone, kid, school

I wish I could write something meaningful and creative, but I just finished my last final as and undergrad ever.  So, to celebrate, I decided to share a completely random list of thoughts and quotes I've collected over the last week.  I had somet good conversations and listened to some good stories the past few days, so I want to write them down before I forget... but I'll do that tomorrow.

***

Kant sounds like cunt.
Dolly sound like Dalí.  So when I say I like Dolly (Parton), they think I'm smart.
I hate when people say "granit" instead of "granted."  "People always take semantics for granit."
Also, it's "I would have gone" and not "I would of gone."  That doesn't even make sense.

***

Sitting on the couch alone eating chocolate and watching a Nanny marathon.  I may have hit menopause.
I'm starting to realize I sound the same whether I laugh or cry.
My shirts don't look the same here.  In fact, they look stupid here.
Why do overly Christian people always have trendy hair styles, especially the guys with trendy facial hair (e.g. the soulpatch)?
I feel like the program I'm going into is full of party girls and gays.  Should be fun.

***

Two random Office quotes that made me giggle:
Jan about Michael at a hearing:  "Sometimes when he gets nervous, he talks like Borat."
Michael about Jan's pill addiction:  "If you've seen a commercial for it on TV, then my baby's got it in her belly."

location: Germany, Illingen mood: giddy music: laptop fan tags: list, quotes, random

I had about the worst and weirdest dream in a long time.  One of those that goes on forever, even after you wake up briefly because you forgot to close the blinds and the sunrise is blinding you.  I don't usually remember dreams that well, so I'll recap it the best I can before it's gone.  The boring thing about my dreams is that they're usually just a weirder version of real life or events.  Here's part one:

//  I was at some place that reminded me of the Mall of America.  Some place larger than life that had everything.  We were in a restaurant.  I was getting ready to leave for a year, and kept telling everyone that, but no one would listen and cut me off half way through my sentences.  With me were my mom, my step dad, and two of my step brothers (one silent, one mean).  It was a dim restaurant with few people - no people, really - covered with wood paneling with matching wooden floors and furniture.  It was dim because the windows pointed into the mall itself.  I decided to go out.  No one would notice, anyway.  The deck walkway outside was high above the ground in a multi-story atrium lined with closed stores with grey skylights above us.  In the middle was a wooden church, swung like the one you drive by in Tallahassee.  I met some friends that were there in a group.  I was talking and having fun.  I told them "These god damn people won't listen to a word I say!"  Suddenly, this woman emerged.  I'd never seen her before, but I new she was my other step brother's new girlfriend (I wondered what happened to the one I just met in real life).  Her brown hair was parted in the middle and flipped up from her earlobes nearly to the crown of her head.  She wore jeans too tight for her thighs and began to berate me for interrupting the tour and for using the lord's name in vain.  It turned out my friends were there to see the church and were now angry with me.  She turned to the church, and as if her voice was magically altered, she yelled superhumanly loud to the church "Forgive him for he has sinned!"  The music inside the church stopped and at the windows heads began to appear.  As I stood there, she ranted about god, and patriotism, and why my beliefs are wrong.  In front of everyone, she persecuted me.  When I couldn't take it anymore, I ran away and hid in the restaurant at our table.  Trying to tell my family that an angry mob of American christians was soon to follow us was impossible, because "Shhh!  Bill's telling a racquet ball story!"

location: in Bed mood: confused music: none tags: dream